Rampage has 128 Days of Destruction... No Two Alike

 

Rampage conjures up images of dingy arcade machine in laundromats. Why? Because it was one of those dingy arcade machines in the laundromat. I recall so vividly the colors- so bland. And the game itself- so difficult. Needless to say, I didn't play too much of it. Then, just last year, it came to my attention that a FuncoLand was in the area. I went and spent. I think I got about 10 games, among them Rampage. And here I am now, speaking to you fine people.


Characters- Good and Evil

George

A fine citizen, devoted to cleaning the environment and helping small animals in times of need. When given leisure time, he chooses to dine out, with or without attacking artillery. He has been known to scale tall buildings, and snarfs down vitamins like there was no tomorrow. It is believed that George was molested as a child, thus creating his hate towards mankind.

Lizzy

Lizzy was a mild mannered young woman, who just happened to be turned into a mild mannered lizard. She started courting our George, and her resentment grew. Today, they travel as a team, attacking state after state, in a twisted, twisted, dating ritual. She enjoys picking teeth with pedestrians and being on the top of the food chain.


The Sleeping Guy

Actually, he just starts our asleep. When awakened, he throws large, generally explosive objects at our heroes. For no good reason, either. Maybe he just doesn't like having his house demolished...

Alaska

While not exactly an enemy, Alaska has been pretty damn neutral during this whole Rampage thing. Obviously, if you aren't part of the solution, they're part of the problem. Smash 'em good, George.

The Boat Man

The Boat Man is a sick, perverted individual. He begs you to smash a bridge so he can pass. So you do him a favor. And then what happens? He catches a mermaid, undoubtebly to do unspeakable things to her, things that should be kept in the same species. Eat the little perv before he goes after your children.

The Business Man

The Business Man is also an "innocent" bystander, asking to simply get him out alive. There is an obvious suicidal undertone to that, and feel free to carry it out for him. Eat him.

Dynamite

Some may argue that Dynamite is not actually a character, he is mostly a compound of various chemicals. To those people, I say, "Write your own damn webpage!" Besides, if dynamite was not evil, it would not try to explode on you, would it?

Alcohol

Actually, alcohol is not evil. It is a helpful thirst quencher in times of need. Nintendo would have you believe that this is actually milk. A complete lie. Lizzy wouldn't drink milk, she would drink gin. And George would drink paint thinner. Sadly, neither gets anyone into a drunken rage.

The Accursed Helicopter of Death

Nothing is feared more by giant oafs than helicopters. What's worse, these helicopters employ the latest in military warfare: Down-Dropping Plummet Missiles. These are missiles which fall straight down, to the uninformed. No other enemy cause such meaningless destruction.

Mine or Hamburger?

You make the call here. Either way, you find it in buildings.

The Tank of Destruction

Tanks are some mean mofos. They get a kick out of running over your toes and causing an orgy of destruction. These, and a few more reasons, lead to the conclusion that all tanks must be eaten promptly. Remember, don't eat the shell, or people will know you're a foreigner.

The Toilet of Great Relievance

Here is a modern conveinance you find in buildings. George and Lizzy do not seem to enjoy feasting upon other's excrement, so they spit it out. Obviously, they know very little about what is good for them.

The Soldier of Minor Problems

He isn't so much of a problem, as he can be consumed for a minor health boost. He gets back, though, when he starts lugging dynamite in... you can still eat him, just wait a few seconds. May cause minor indigestion.

The Turkey of Most Excellence

A delicious Thanksgiving meat product, created by hours of difficult Granny-Labor. This is perhaps the only thing that keeps George and Lizzy going, the thought of beautiful poultry meat waiting for them at the end of their journey.

The Helpless Woman

She is generally found screaming out of windows. George is free to do whatever he wants with her, but Lizzy, well, you just might learn her door swings two ways, if you catch my drift.