Straight Paths Ministries

Anti-Homosexualization Under an Hour

Whilst on one of my frequent AOL journeys, I came upon a wonderful page called "Straight Paths Ministries".Please don't click the link yet, you haven't read the rest of my damn page. I have taken the liberty of copying and pasting interesting snippets from SPM, which you can see in red font. Please note I did not make any of this up. However, everything in black is my comments, I use them with gusto throughout. And please don't bitch to me about me being so anti-everything, I'm just anti-retarded web pages by psycho religious zealots. Have fun, and remember, take care of yourself... and each other.

Basically, the gist of the page is that you can go from homosexual to heterosexual by accepting Christ... what a great deal! Not only that, but Christ can also rid you of other perversions, such as: "pornography, masturbation, same-gender attraction, homosexuality, survivor of incest or molestation, phone sex, "S&M", the internet, anonymous sex". I'm not quite sure what religion I am, but damn, if Jesus can make me no longer addicted to AOL, I'm there! I'm not quite sure what the difference is between "same-gender attraction" and "homosexuality" is, but it must be there... fanatical Christians don't make mistakes.

Further down this lovely page one can see that they are a proud member of a Web ring called the "Gay Change." Other sites found on the ring have scintillating titles such as "The Way Out" and "Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship Services" where a member can talk to "men and women who help each other live in freedom from homosexuality". "Hi, my name's Cody, I haven't had sex with a man for over two months."

This amazing use of Paint Shop Pro was done by sixth grader Billy Smith, as his father, Rev. Rosco Smith, was too busy brewing moonshine at his house in the deep south.

Back to the actual page. I was curious about how I could go about joining the ministries, so I decided to look at the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). This had plenty of helpful questions I was yearning to have answered, such as "Is masturbation sinful?" and "Do I need to attend a support group?" Yes, that's right folks, beating it off in the shower just put you on the same level as alcoholics. Damn, it sure is tough being homo in the 90's. Good thing I found Christ in time.

A photo of Andre. Note his eyes, as they stare deep into your soul, hoping to drive out the homosexual goblins living within.

Once again, I return to the main page in search of more comedic fodder. And look... a testimony by a former homosexual, André Epstein. His sad story is summarized in the opening line, "Even after dozens of gay relationships, I still had not found a man who satisfied my deepest needs. Would I ever find fulfillment in homosexuality?" We're talking made-for-TV-movie on the PAX channel here. It says Andre always felt different as a child. He grew up Jewish in a Christian area. Oh no, we're not bashing Jews on this page, we're too busy making fun of queers. He tells us "I always liked playing house with the little girls. In kindergarten I refused to wear the painting aprons because they were dirty. My mother told the teacher, 'Give him a clean one and he will paint.' And I did." I'm not too sure whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, but I'm betting Christ will explain it to me when he comes to my Anti-Homo barbecue next weekend.

We learn about Andre's sad youth. He tells us "I was not good at sports, so I was always picked last." Oh yeah, he has all the makings of a grade-A homosexual. He sucks at sports. And he didn't like to wear dirty aprons. His father worked six days a week, eventually got divorced, and died of cancer. Come on guys, you can't really blame poor Andre for going all queen-like on us!

Andre bares all for us (No pun intended) in the next paragraph. "Once I stripped in front of a group of boys." Dude, if you're striping in front of people when you're in Junior High, I think you have some problems bigger than just being gay. However, he didn't get in trouble after the boys told on him. His mother explained that "Andre doesn't lie." At this point, Andre "realized that day that I could manipulate and wiggle my way out if I ever got into trouble again with my sexual behavior." Nice choice of words, "wiggle" and "manipulate" would not exactly be on my list of verbs in an anti-homosexual testimony.

The little rebel recounts of his adventures at Bible camp. "I read my Bible, but skipped over verses in Romans or Corinthians that spoke negatively about homosexuality." Way to be, Andre!

At heart, Andre just wants to be normal. He was made fun of at school. But, he could not stop his sexual deviancy. "My needs had become sexualized, which led to my entrapment in a false identity." Is this guy poetic or what? We should have his work put in the Anthology!

His parents accepted him when he came out of the closet at 17. He was a good student. However, "Little did they know the real me: smoking pot, masturbating daily (or more often), using pornography, and experimenting with perversions of various kinds." Apparently drug use equates banging your crotch against some guys ass. Do you know how many closet gays we have at our school?

After college Andre went into teaching. He frequented "gay bars and baths" after school ended. He was quite the player. "I had made over two hundred attempts, but I had still not found "Mr.Right." Wow, if I could get half that many women, I would be set for life.

Enter sister. She invites Andre to her church. He says to the minister, "I'm gay, but I want to change" "Sure thing, Andre, just fill out these forms and we'll have you sleeping with the opposite gender within five working days." The next part is just utterly stupid. Since God entered his heart and started stirring some hetero feelings inside of him, Andre "gave up the illegal drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, rock music, and going to bars and other gay pick-up places." Yes, the incredible Christ will even rid your mind of the sinful Def Leppard and Third Eye Blind music rattling around in your skull. Maybe even Motley Crue. Maybe.

Eventually he married a woman who was friendly and because her "chocolate dessert was dynamite!" Yes, the man who was not happy with over 200 gay men goes and marries the first woman he meets simply because she makes a good dessert. I must say, I'm glad he turned straight, now we can have Andre's incredible, logical mental skills added to the gene pool. Andre also mentions Romans 9:13. I checked the Bible, the quote is "And He came down from the heavens and smited those whom stuck male genitalia in any improper orifice. And He let forth with a mighty guffaw, as He proceded to beat thine homo ass down with an Annointed Baseball Bat"

Andre et al, celebrating his heterosexuality with his wife. Not shown: a delicious chocolate dessert.

Now Andre works as, get this, the director of Straight Path Ministries. So remember kids, even gays can grow up to bash gays. Let's hear it for the US of A!