"Someone shoot me, now."
Quote from game tester
If one were to take a field trip to hell, they would see
individual cells for notorious offenders of common taste, one for
Edith Wharton here, another over there marked "Los Del
Rio", and maybe a third for most UPN shows. Down the hall,
however, is the big kahuna: a special room reserved for the
bastards that made the Nintendo game Toki. I recall reading a
review of Toki in an old Gameplayers magazine- it got a 7 out of
10. About a year ago I downloaded some Nintendo games for a
certain emulator- yeah, sure, I deleted them after 24 hours, yep.
Toki was one of them. So, I, uh, deleted it, and bought a totally
legal copy from FuncoLand, yes, nothing illegal. That's when I
realized that Toki just isn't right.
|From my research, I believe that Toki is supposed to
be about a guy who got turned into a monkey by some dude
named Bashtar. He probably has to save a sexy lady along
the way, too. All sounds okay so far, right? Wrong. Dead
wrong. Firstly, graphics are piss poor. I mean piss
poor. Look at this map, I have no idea wherever the
hell I'm supposed to be.The gameplay is almost as fun as
poking a wood chuck corpse with a stick- almost. And the
sound sucks. However, there is one serious problem with
the game- the main character. Toki is just so damn messed
up it's not even funny. Take a gander at his many faces
Mr. T Says: "I pity the fool who
plays this crappy game"
Faces of Toki*
||Here's Toki, obviously enraged by the fact that he
was turned into a chimp. This is another thing that gets
me- if I were a damn monkey, I'd be pretty damn pissed,
and I'd bum rush anything in my monkey way. Not Toki,
though, he's content to just mosey along, maybe picking
up a coin or two. I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, TOKI!
|Here's Toki jumping. Yes, he pulls his legs up chest
every time he jumps. Sure, it looks like he's doing a
somersault, but remember, he ain't a goddamn ninja ape,
he's Toki. It does sorta look like he's dancing though.
It's kinda funny.
||I'm not even going to say anything about this
|Surprise! It's Toki again. He's wearing the latest in
monkey armament- a football helmet. This makes him
invincible for a short period of time, but he still gets
confused which down it is and usually messes up a few
passes. No, he does not get a space suit or shining
armor, Toki is quite content wearing a football helmet.
Remember kids, concussions are your friend.
||Once again, Toki befuddles his fans. See, he jumps on
this lever, the weight goes up, comes down, and Toki
flies up. The thing that gets me is... why can't Toki
just climb the damn wall? I shouldn't really make fun of
him, who knows, maybe he has arthiritis or something.
|This picture is easily the worst of the bunch. What
in God's name is wrong with his neck?!? The first time I
saw Toki climb a vine I soiled myself and ran out of the
room screaming. I have become somewhat desensitized to
this bizarre chimp custom, but still, it gives you a jolt
when you look at it.
||Toki crawling. The weird part about this cannot be
seen in still form. The problem is that he crawls just as
fast as he runs. Where's the logic there? I'd like to see
you try to crawl at 10 miles an hour through a two foot
|I figured that we all needed a little respite from
Toki's ugly mug, so I threw in this picture. These are
some little green monkeys operating some sort of root
contraption. Do not underestimate the power of the green
monkeys, some even operate cannons. These are the only
good part about the game. If one were to make a game
entirely based on these green monkeys, I would buy it.
Aren't they just adorable?
||Here's another bizarre image. It appears to be some
rabbit head, most likely a shrunken one. Remember, this
is a jungle game, not in a city, even though that thing
on it's head does look like a sweat band. Pick up a
Rabbit Head™ and guess what happens...
|SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! This unholy of unholies only
shows up when you pick up a Rabbit Head™. You turn
into a monkey... with tap shoes! If I wanted to cross
dress I'd go make a Rupaul game, this is just sick,
selling games to kids with monkeys in drag. Simply
*Toki is Swahili for "Hairy Demon