"Someone shoot me, now."

Quote from game tester

If one were to take a field trip to hell, they would see individual cells for notorious offenders of common taste, one for Edith Wharton here, another over there marked "Los Del Rio", and maybe a third for most UPN shows. Down the hall, however, is the big kahuna: a special room reserved for the bastards that made the Nintendo game Toki. I recall reading a review of Toki in an old Gameplayers magazine- it got a 7 out of 10. About a year ago I downloaded some Nintendo games for a certain emulator- yeah, sure, I deleted them after 24 hours, yep. Toki was one of them. So, I, uh, deleted it, and bought a totally legal copy from FuncoLand, yes, nothing illegal. That's when I realized that Toki just isn't right.

From my research, I believe that Toki is supposed to be about a guy who got turned into a monkey by some dude named Bashtar. He probably has to save a sexy lady along the way, too. All sounds okay so far, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Firstly, graphics are piss poor. I mean piss poor. Look at this map, I have no idea wherever the hell I'm supposed to be.The gameplay is almost as fun as poking a wood chuck corpse with a stick- almost. And the sound sucks. However, there is one serious problem with the game- the main character. Toki is just so damn messed up it's not even funny. Take a gander at his many faces below.

Mr. T Says: "I pity the fool who plays this crappy game"

The Many Faces of Toki*

Here's Toki, obviously enraged by the fact that he was turned into a chimp. This is another thing that gets me- if I were a damn monkey, I'd be pretty damn pissed, and I'd bum rush anything in my monkey way. Not Toki, though, he's content to just mosey along, maybe picking up a coin or two. I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, TOKI!
Here's Toki jumping. Yes, he pulls his legs up chest every time he jumps. Sure, it looks like he's doing a somersault, but remember, he ain't a goddamn ninja ape, he's Toki. It does sorta look like he's dancing though. It's kinda funny.
I'm not even going to say anything about this picture..
Surprise! It's Toki again. He's wearing the latest in monkey armament- a football helmet. This makes him invincible for a short period of time, but he still gets confused which down it is and usually messes up a few passes. No, he does not get a space suit or shining armor, Toki is quite content wearing a football helmet. Remember kids, concussions are your friend.
Once again, Toki befuddles his fans. See, he jumps on this lever, the weight goes up, comes down, and Toki flies up. The thing that gets me is... why can't Toki just climb the damn wall? I shouldn't really make fun of him, who knows, maybe he has arthiritis or something.
This picture is easily the worst of the bunch. What in God's name is wrong with his neck?!? The first time I saw Toki climb a vine I soiled myself and ran out of the room screaming. I have become somewhat desensitized to this bizarre chimp custom, but still, it gives you a jolt when you look at it.
Toki crawling. The weird part about this cannot be seen in still form. The problem is that he crawls just as fast as he runs. Where's the logic there? I'd like to see you try to crawl at 10 miles an hour through a two foot tunnel.
I figured that we all needed a little respite from Toki's ugly mug, so I threw in this picture. These are some little green monkeys operating some sort of root contraption. Do not underestimate the power of the green monkeys, some even operate cannons. These are the only good part about the game. If one were to make a game entirely based on these green monkeys, I would buy it. Aren't they just adorable?
Here's another bizarre image. It appears to be some rabbit head, most likely a shrunken one. Remember, this is a jungle game, not in a city, even though that thing on it's head does look like a sweat band. Pick up a Rabbit Head™ and guess what happens...
SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! This unholy of unholies only shows up when you pick up a Rabbit Head™. You turn into a monkey... with tap shoes! If I wanted to cross dress I'd go make a Rupaul game, this is just sick, selling games to kids with monkeys in drag. Simply revolting.

*Toki is Swahili for "Hairy Demon from Far-East"